To finish off a Friday afternoon, on my way to Viljandi to eat some pancakes at my grandma’s, I decided to do a quick update.
This time in Estonia I focused solely on home visits, during which I met a lot of families with babies and also with those couples who are expecting or planning one.
One topic that hurts a lot but is not talked about that often, are friendships after a baby. Let me tell you, you do not have to give up your friends. This time around I heard a lot of concerns where mothers or soon-to-be mothers are sad as their friends do not wish to meet up. And actually, I received a lot of honest responses from those friends as well so I completely understand both of these viewpoints.
If it does consoles baby-moms, then your friends do care and love you the same as before the baby, but at the same time they do wish to spend time with just you.
Q: What does this mean?
This means that it’s just going to be you and them, while the children preferably could spend quality time with their dad, grandparents or with a nanny who you trust.
When you do meet up with your friends without your child, it shows respect towards the friendship which your friends are very grateful for, and at the same time you will have your ‘own’ time which is a necessity for every mom.
Q: Why your friends do not wish to visit you?
The main reasons that I heard were that it’s just not the same – hanging out and chatting – as now the mother is running between feeding and changing diapers. And even if you do end up with a short discussion after rushing around for an hour, your conversation topics and interests are completely different due to your lives now being different.
Q: Why people without children suddenly start keeping distance?
This only feels like it, because even if you do not notice it, previously you were very socially active and now your life is more home-centered. Of course there are some friends who do keep their distance, but there may be other reasons behind it so let’s try to be understanding. For example, a reason that I heard, was that they wish to have children on their own but for some reason they have been unable to conceive one and it makes them sad to see a newborn’s mother as a happy parent. This does not mean that they are not happy for you, of course they are.
Second reason I heard was that the newborn’s mother only talks about the child, what he or she does and how they sleep.
Q: What do I recommend for both parties?
I would advise to speak about this, to agree how your friendship will go on after the child is being born, and discuss the fears and expectations. Most of us do not have psychic powers, so please do speak up.
On the picture above I am with a friend who has three children. We do meet up rarely, but after we get together over a cup of coffee or tea, we are both more energised and loaded with good vibes. We do have an agreement that we do not take any children with us when we meet up, and it works well.
Feel free to share this!
Have a nice Wednesday,