Kadi and Babies

Author: Kadi Leppik

  • Parents of screen addicts

    Parents of screen addicts

    This year, I have mostly worked with families who are looking for a maternity nurse/nanny to take with them on travel. There are one to four children in the families, and sometimes guest children are added during the trip. More and more I notice that parents don’t want to, and don’t seem to know how to spend time with their babies and toddlers. The saddest sight is a parent trying to silence a child by giving them a screen. The baby/child has something playing from the tablet or phone and that’s it. The scene where the screen holder has been bought for the buggy is particularly horrifying to me. The child on the screen has been numbed by some kind of unrealistically fast flickering character’s movements, and real life surroundings are too slow for them. Parents who claim that the screen develops their child are generally screen addicts themselves and do not know how to spend their free time in any other way than by tapping and scrolling on their phone.

    Matt Haig has written the book “Notes on a Nervous Planet” and talks about his burnout and how screens actually made him anxious and depressed. The less screens he used the better. He also talks about how screens affect his relationship with his children and wife.

    I will quote a good passage from a book that applies to a lot of parents:

    Andrea: “Matt, get off the internet”

    Matt: “I’m just answering one email.”

    Andrea: “No. You’re lying.”

    Matt: “OK. I’m on Twitter. But there’s a question I need to clear up.”

    A large number of parents have a daily reality of scolding each other for disappearing to their screen. It occurs more than anyone can imagine. There are families where I have been called to help deal with screen-addicted children, but the reality is that the biggest addicts are the parents. When I’m there to help families, we make a plan, and number one for me is that everyone who comes home puts their phones in a box with a lid by the front door. The first task is already so bone-breaking for the parents that they sit in the car in front of the house and fiddle with the phone, even though my time is already over for that day.

    It is not uncommon for parents to point fingers at each other during a home visit as to who spends more time on the phone. When approaching the topic of screens, it can bring out long-standing, unmentioned, complaints couples have with each other and their screen habits.

    Nighttime is for sleeping, but screen addicts have their phone next to their bed and it’s definitely not on silent (who knows what important things might be missing). However, the side effect of the is that you are tired in the morning. Good quality sleep doesn’t come as quickly as the brain takes time to switch off, and sleep disturbances occur from screens lighting up or audible alerts. The bad sleep classically takes its toll in the morning, irritability in general and often directed towards the children.

    To be honest, I don’t mind if parents decide that what’s on their screens is more important than the baby waiting at home, but when you come home and all the phones (usually more than one), tablet and laptop are connected, that means for example, an email notification/message comes to all devices and all devices are set to maximum volume, then in my opinion (this is my personal opinion), this is a clear sign of screen addiction and anxiety disorder. If you can’t even spend a few hours at home with your family, why did you even bother leaving the office?

    When you get home, you don’t rush to the child who is crying for attention, but after every beep and ringing of the phone, you rush out of the bathroom or the toilet to be the first to react to what is happening on the phone. Surely that stupid video that someone just sent can survive without an immediate response.

    It really drives me crazy and it takes a lot of effort not to lose my temper and say something really bad!

  • Baby massage

    Baby massage

    It’s never too early or late to learn baby massage.

    Why, and how do babies develop muscle tension?
    All babies have muscle tension at birth, but some have more, and this is because the baby’s living environment is quite cramped in the last months before birth. Babies who grow very fast or spend too much time in one position are also prone to muscle tension.

    How to determine muscle tension?
    In the baby massage workshop, we will review muscle tension and I will show you how to deal with them on a daily basis through various exercises.

    Why is baby massage important and how does it affect the baby’s sleep, feeding, digestion and growing up with the parents?
    By massaging the baby every day, the baby’s body begins to absorb 25% more oxygen, thanks to which the child’s physical and mental development is guaranteed, better sleep quality, less gas or a gas-free baby, better digestion. The most important thing is that the parent learns to know their baby and how to determine what kind of massage your baby needs at the moment.

    Who are the best massage therapists for babies?
    The best masseur for every newborn is its parent, and that’s because every touch of a stranger can cause stress in the baby, and if the baby cries/screams, you shouldn’t continue because the baby refuses to cooperate with the stranger.

    Standing on tiptoe and walking among small children, is it good or bad?
    If the baby starts to show interest in being upright and standing, but does it on tiptoe, then this is an example that the muscles of the buttocks are weak and when the baby starts to walk, they can seriously injure themselves. Parents with older children also get good tips and recommendations from me on tiptoe walking.

    In baby massage workshops/home visits, I teach massage, which in Estonia is classified under physiotherapy. If you don’t have a baby yourself or the workshop/home visit falls on a time when the baby is sleeping, there are baby massage dolls to practice on. All appointments are face-to-face because I want to make sure that hand movements and positions are correct and that the baby is not inadvertently harmed.

  • Screen addiction and its consequences for babies and toddlers

    In Estonia, one of the reasons for home visits was screen-addicted babies and toddlers, or more accurately, their parents.

    The families who invited me were actually aware of their problem, but not from the perspective I saw it. The purpose of my home visit was not to blame or point the finger at anyone, but rather to see what is happening at home during these 2-3 hours and to propose solutions on an ongoing basis.

    The parents’ sense of guilt is already big enough and at the same time they don’t know how to seek help and don’t know if they should.

    One of my favorites was the moment when I asked to see how children’s toys are organized and what are my recommendations for making life easier. We started right away with the parents by sorting the toys and talking about what causes confusion in the child’s room and anger in the parents. Toys and books that don’t have a place cause confusion. How is a tiny person supposed to know where to put them if the parent has not created a location for it.

    Does your toddler actually speak English?

    We sat down at the table and I asked the two year old child in Estonian; “Do you want a cake?” In response I got; “Blue” (in English). I had to break it to the parents their child didn’t speak English but said single words without knowing what they really meant. For me, the child would have spoken English if we had had a conversation, but he could not, because the home language of both parents was Estonian. Also, age-appropriate Estonian was absent or very deficient.

    The parents had the mixed feelings of “look, my child speaks English”, but on the other hand, they didn’t know if it was good or rather bad.

    Where is the dog buried?

    Parents with children at home all confirmed that in order to get time, peace and quiet, the children are allowed to watch YouTube, or rather, the child gets a few screens, but there is no parental control and the child can choose what they want to watch. When I asked why not a children’s program or cartoon in Estonian, I was told that the child does not want to watch it. Yes, of course you don’t want to, because the action there is perhaps too slow and there are (hopefully) no advertisements and other flashing and glittering advertisements that create interest and attract attention.

    The screen is the cheapest nanny.

    Parents talk about how they can’t do anything at home by their children’s side. As a solution, I proposed that we make the home screen-free for the parents and that this so-called free time could be used for household chores and planning. For example, take care of the child in the morning and go outside, before going out put the laundry and the dishwasher to work, etc. It is easy to lose sense of time when looking at a screen and at some point you need to cook, and home realities call loudly (read child). It is certainly not an easy decision, and the parents must be unanimous here, otherwise it will not work.

    How many hours screen time a day will hinder a child’s spoken development in Estonian?

    Honestly, I owe you an answer in this regard. When parents told me that it would be a few hours, there were also those of us who said that it would probably be like 6-8 hours in the day. This last one was a very honest confession for both me and my family. It also turned out that the child is not talked to very much and the reason was generally that what am I talking to them about anyway?! I suggested talking about absolutely everything. You put the laundry in the wash until it’s done, what you see when you look out of the window or what the weather is like today.

    When does it get hard?

    When a child goes to nursery or school and has to communicate with others. Most of the children today need the help of a speech therapist to a greater or lesser extent, and not because the child has something wrong (it is not a child with special needs or some other health condition), but because the child has not been communicated with or taught the Estonian language. Kindergartens go to great lengths to get children to talk, but at the same time one must admit that there are also nurseries that are proud of playing children’s songs from YouTube and at the same time showing the children a video on the screen. There are also many children whose parents have to start going to therapy where parents are taught to communicate and play with the child.

    Another separate issue is that the child learns the language through play and various activities, but it turns out that the parent does not even know how to play, because they grew up in front of the TV and computer.

    Therapy (teaching to play, to communicate) is only useful if the action plan brought home is followed to help and nuture the child’s development. At the same time, there is a problem when parents go to therapy with their child, but sit on their phones and the therapist has to remind them that it is time to be without screens.

    A family does not need to wait until they see a theraphist to reduce or cut out screen time for their children. It should be a last resort given the financial and time cost associated with the sessions and enacting the techniques learned from the therapist. One should also not ignore the strain from nervousness and tension that the process can bring to family life.

    There is a lot to talk about screens and their impact on children. In the coming weeks there will be posts on how screens affect behaviour, sleep and nutrition. There will be examples from my everyday practice for all topics.

  • If and what to say to the family when a child has passed away

    There is a moment in the world when it doesn’t matter how rich or poor you are. That moment when your body and mind refuse to cooperate. The moment you wish someone would pinch you and tell you it was a bad dream and everything is actually fine.

    No one, ever, can be prepared for the death of their child, it can be a miscarriage, a health issue, an accident or any other reason. Every parent’s nightmare is to say goodbye to a priceless asset in this world – their child. Starting to organize a funeral and dealing with the accompanying paperwork is like being stuck in a fog as the body and mind refuse to accept what has happened. The older the child is, the more difficult it is to explain to other children in the nursery or school what has happened.

    Isn’t it the case that when someone puts a post on social media about the news of a baby being expected, the news reporter is flooded with congratulations and messages, but what happens when the expected baby leaves us, when the parents have to organize a funeral, we don’t talk about that. It’s a taboo.

    How can the family be supported, what can be done, what can be said or not, when their child is gone?

    Every family and family member experiences and goes through their pain of loss and grief differently. Cultural backgroundsand customs come into play here but there are things that should never be said. Out of ignorance (I would like to think), some things that are still said:

    • I know how you feel, our (dog) Jack died last week and I know how you feel! – Never compare the pain of losing your pet to the death of another person’s child. The pet was certainly important to you, but the comparison is inappropriate or even cruel.
    • I know how you feel – even if you have had to say goodbye to your child, you can’t really imagine what such a loss means to another family.
    • You are young, you will have more children – you will not have children as a backup in case something happens to one child, they are not a spare part of the family. One keeps spare parts for a bicycle, not a child.
    • Time heals all wounds, you get over it, life goes on – this grief and sadness is something that cannot be described in just two words, and there are those who do not realize what happened until years later. You go to work, meet friends and do everyday chores, but no one can see how many times you’ve gone home and cried a lot because the burden you carry every day needs to be released.
    • See how good it is that you have other children to devote yourself to and take your thoughts away from this loss – the only thought that a grieving parent can think of is if there was something I could have done differently (months if not years of analysis begins after what happened). There are situations where a medical diagnosis is obtained and the answer is given to the parents, but there are also many who remain without an answer for life. (This is very painful and both mentally and physically debilitating for all parties involved).
    • Maybe it was better that way and they are now in a better place. Only someone higher up knows why it was better that way – there is no better place for any child in this world than to be with their family. Such a statement gives the impression of a lack of empathy.

    The above is just a small selection of things that should not be said, but sadly still are.

    I know you want to ask; “What should I say????”

    Be very simple in what you say and say that you are very sorry and express your condolences. That is quite enough. If it’s a family member or someone very close to you, offer to help (if that’s something you want to do).

    Today, when this post becomes public and you are reading it, I am saying goodbye to the child of a very close friend.

    Being an infant loss supporter and first aid trained in mental health, this is a moment for me where I know what needs to be done. When the message that we are remembering came on the phone screen…… I grabbed the phone and without reading the message called my friend. I expressed my condolences and then asked if I could help with the funeral or with paperwork and other matters. I also asked about the financial situation and they sent me information on where those who wish can support the family. (Living in London, it may happen that you have to take into account the transport of the body to your home country). Not all families put this information on social media and that is completely normal.

    If you are going to say goodbye or attend a funeral, find out if there are any special requests regarding the dress code and whether to bring flowers or not (it may happen that transporting flowers from one country to another is not so easy and is an additional task for the family).

    If the family has lost a child, but you didn’t know about it, say so and it will be understood. Definitely don’t say why didn’t you tell me, I thought we were close, etc. This is not time for drama.

    Our phone call actually ended with this, I said that I am available 24/7 if they want to come to me or wants me to visit. Sometimes it is necessary to put the world to rights and open a bottle of the best champagne that has been saved for aspecial occasion. My friend laughed and said yes, there is no situation where champagne would be superfluous.

    It also felt right to write a handwritten letter that the family can read at a moment that suits them.

  • Estonia

    Estonia

    The first days in Estonia have been very busy.

    Lots of meetings with experts in my field and home visits to share my knowledge and answer a whole bunch of questions.

    One of the big attractions of meeting everyone has been the baby doll used in first aid training brought from London, where you can practice CPR techniques. We have also talked about the ability of medical care and ambulance to arrive if you live further away.

    Let’s be realistic, today every family can make a contribution to improving cooperation with the ambulance simply by going through first aid training (before the birth of a child), where there is a baby doll with attached sensors as a practical part used in CPR training. The sensors let you know if you are doing heart massage at the right place, speed, and strength.

    Feedback from everyone who has been able to practice resuscitation on my baby doll:

    • “I didn’t know that the baby should be resuscitated first and then call an ambulance”
    • “My God, I panicked, I don’t know what to do!”
    • “When I did my studies in medical scool, there was no such doll, but it is very good and necessary!”
    • “Now I know what to do if something happens to my little brother because mommy panics” (7 year old)
    • “Listen Kadi, it’s a good workout and not as easy as it seems in theory”
    • “How long you stay in Estonia, could I practice more on this doll, and you know I would also invite my parents, because they spend a lot of time with the children”

    My suggestion to find the best place that teaches first aid for children and babies, call and ask if they have such a baby doll, if not and offer online training, then call the next trainer. First aid training is the best investment, so that you can be the first life saver for your own and other children’s in a crisis!

  • Death of a baby or toddler

    Everyone is afraid of it, but no one talks about it in public. We only hear about the news when there is a tragic accident involving babies.

    Think for a moment how many families you know in your immediate area who have lost a baby during pregnancy, childbirth – or before the child turns one year old…. Sadly I know hundreds of families in this position.

    I update myself daily on how to help such families and how to create more confidence in subsequent pregnancies.

    It is a sad fact that the hospital staff and many doctors do not always know how to communicate with the family in such a situation, let alone relatives or friends. If the family doesn’t get help right away, it can lead to deep depression, they start blaming themselves or others for what happened.

    What can be done to reduce stress for pregnant women about whether the baby’s heart is beating and everything is fine?

    There are monitors with which you can listen to the baby’s heartbeat from the stomach, luckily they are not outrageously expensive, prices starts from a few tens of Euros. I found different variants on the internet when I typed baby heartbeat monitor in the search, there are plenty of devices to choose from.

    How many people know about such a device that attaches to the baby’s bed and gives an immediate signal if the baby is not breathing? I didn’t know about it until I started learning about baby deaths.

    Causes of infant death:

    • babies who are premature (born before 37 weeks) or have a very low birth weight (less than 2.5 kg) are more likely to die
    • a baby who has not grown enough
    • placental abruption
    • infection during pregnancy
    • sudden infant death
    • the child is stillborn
    • death due to an accident
    • genetic or psychological abnormality
    • complicated birth

  • Why is it important to give time to a new parent?!

    It is often said that if a mother leaves her child in someone’s care and goes to exercise, to a cafe with a friend or even away from home for the whole weekend, then she is obviously a unloving mother who doesn’t deserve any rewards and star of the week diploma! Wrong!

    In my previous posts, I have talked about the mental health of both the mother and father and how easy it is to develop post-pregnancy depression.

    When a new baby is born, many families cannot cope with the physical, and often more likely, the mental burden. Is it possible to somehow prepare for the arrival of a new baby? My answer is most definitely YES!

    The easiest way is to write everything down on paper and put it in a visible place, such as the refrigerator door. The easiest thing to do is to make a plan for a few months after giving birth.

    Here is a sample list that you can plan and remember:

    – Menu for a couple of weeks and ready-made food portions in the freezer, so you only need to heat up meals.

    – Make a shopping list and, if possible, order food and essential goods online.

    – Cleaning, ironing and other household chores are not a priority. If possible, hire a cleaner who comes for a few hours once or twice a week, or if a family member offers to help, let them know that you need help with cleaning and ironing, because you can handle changing the baby’s diapers and everything else related to the baby yourself.

    – Sleep when the baby sleeps.

    – Write down when the working parent takes care of the baby and gives free time to the other parent. A parent at home with a baby often does not have the opportunity to communicate with other adults. Things can be so busy you might not know when you will be able to eat lunch or even make a cup of tea.

    – Accept help if it is offered (e.g. cleaning the house or taking the baby for a walk in the fresh air).

    – To reduce stress, I recommend sharing as little information as possible about your pregnancy and childbirth, because the closer you get to the birth, the more everyone starts teaching you what to do and messages about whether the baby has already been born, maybe there is something wrong with the baby, why it hasn’t been born yet, etc. Those that take the biscuit are those who push to visit the hospital when the birth is still in progress, because they want to see the baby first. Completely incomprehensible in my eyes! The birth of a baby is a very special time. This is a time for parents to spend time together and get to know the baby. Yes, grandparents can also wait until they are invited to visit.

    – No guests in the hospital and at home. A polite message to send to those who want to visit will save you from additional stress. If someone really wants to come, offer a walk in the park in good weather, which gives you as a parent the opportunity to both leave the house and not worry about how long you’ll need to entertain guests at home!

    – Reception of guests must be agreed upon by both parents, if one does not agree with it, I recommend respecting this wish.

    – You take time to do something together as a family.

    – As a new mother, you decide how to feed your baby – with breast, formula milk, breast milk from a bottle or any other option. It is important that the baby is fed and the new mother feels good about herself, not guilty about her choices because of societal pressures.

    – Find new friends who are also at home with babies and you can meet, go for a walk together and just chat.

    – Water bottles behind the sofa cushions (so that the new mother does not get thirsty while feeding or enjoying time with the baby).

    – Find someone you can trust with your baby so you can go out to the movies or dinner with your partner. The relationship between each other should not be neglected with the arrival of the baby.

    – Get three notebooks:

    • Keep a food diary, perhaps if you decide to breastfeed, it will be a great help to understand if the baby does not like some food that the mother has eaten and it is easy to make corrections according to the food diary.
    • Notebook about baby’s eating and sleep, how much, how often, ten-minute naps must also be taken into account when it comes to sleep. You can also write at the end of the day how the baby’s mood was and whether it was restless or slept particularly well, etc.
    • The last notebook, which I actually recommend to start using from the beginning of pregnancy, is for you to start keeping a diary. Write down everything you feel, whether it’s good or bad emotions. Keeping a journal can help reduce depression during and after pregnancy. You probably don’t want to tell your friends or partner about everything, and in this way you can let off steam. If you feel after giving birth that you need professional help to deal with your emotions and feelings, your diaries will be of great help to the therapist.
  • How to save money on children during the holidays

    How to save money on children during the holidays

    Summer is a nice time to do something with family and friends, but regardless, you have to think ahead of time what to do with children during school and nursery breaks and how to organise their care. Children’s camps are insanely expensive, and many of the options that follow have been used with economic well-being in mind.

    Grandparents?

    It is a completely wrong idea that grandmothers and grandfathers at home should take care of the grandchildren in all those cases when there is nowhere else to put the children. Today’s grandparents are very active and enjoy concerts, traveling and spending time with their peers whenever possible, and it is also possible that they work. Don’t cause unnecessary tension in your relationship with the grandparents with the sentence: “If you don’t take the children to babysit during the break, you’re not a grandmother/grandfather and you won’t see your grandchild anymore!”

    If there is a grandmother living in the countryside, who is willing to take the children with her for breaks, then of course it is nice, but here we should not forget that the grandmother does not have the same energy as 30 years ago and to bath, cook, etc. in the evening, all this is still very tiring. Think about how many times you have skipped bathing your child in the evening because of your tiredness, or made sandwiches instead of a proper warm meal…. If you take the children to babysit, take into account that it should not be free, because she is a grandmother and should take care of the grandchildren and to spend time – as if standard. Grandparents are happy to spend a few hours or half a day on the weekend, but these are not people who provide childcare services. Always pack enough clothes so that the grandparents don’t have to do laundry every night. Pack enough food/sweets that your child likes to eat on a daily basis (think of the grandparents’ wallet). Even if the grandparents don’t want to accept money, sneak money into grandma’s handbag or, even more cleverly, in the medicine box (because that’s where she can see it right away). To maintain a good relationship with the grandparents, I recommend finding a babysitter who takes care of the child and does exactly as you say (we all know, your rules don’t apply to grandparents anyway).

    Another mommy?

    Reaching out with another mum is such a risky business, because just as you yourself are sometimes tired of everyone and everything, imagine that your friend pushes her children on you – not the most pleasant thing. Of course, there are exceptions, but then you must be prepared for the other mother asking you to babysit her child. But for that, you really need to have someone you trust, and the main thing is that your relationship doesn’t go sour because of taking care of the children.

    A friend who is childless and working from home?

    Why not use a friend who works from home, she is the master of her own time and besides, she doesn’t have children to deal with – let her practice if she has children herself one day, even better, write a list of outdoor events and restaurants to visit with the child. People who work from home are actually much more productive, and they appreciate the vibe in their home that lets creativity run wild. Whether your friend is a designer, a writer, or another traditionally office-based role, they are not a person offering childcare services, and often they don’t even know how to give first aid to small children, let alone how to split grapes, etc. Therefore, such a crazy idea should be nipped in the bud!

    Go through everyone you know?

    Visit friends whose lives in an attractive area in the countryside, on an island or in another country. I am completely honest that no one expects tons of guests in their yard to host, feed, house and be a guide.

    My busiest times are when others are on vacation, i.e. summer and various school holidays. I have often said no to those who want to “surprise” me by coming to London and thinking of “dropping by” at my place for a couple of days, my answer has always been simply – London is full of excellent accommodation from which you can choose the right one for your family and when you come, we can meet. Well, the latter has never happened, because they are offended enough that I didn’t want to host! The real reason is that I don’t want to serve others, cook and then clean. If I get home from work at night, I want to have a lie-in on mornings off. I always have things planned in my calendar two or three months in advance. When I go to Estonia, no one has offered to host me on an island or in a country house for a week, maybe because they don’t want to be responsible for a single person who may not be used to family people or their children who wake up early. Besides, I have a whole lot of habits, maybe I go to bed late, maybe I cook at night – when staying someone else home, I can forget such things and should follow other people’s rules. It is worth planning and not forgetting to invite others to visit you or to organise something very awesome as a thank you. If you go to a visit, bring toys for the children so that they don’t get bored. If you are a big wine and meat lover – bring your own wine and meat, even better if you bring your own food, because the party is “free”.

    Respect the privacy and home peace of others and don’t “forget” to visit for a whole day or even a week. Your friends and acquaintances are not a cheap option for children’s camps and spa holidays. Summer is meant for vacation, but if you are constantly driving around and thinking about where or who to go to next, the true essence of the vacation as such disappears and it becomes weeks of unnecessary stress. You will probably be even more tired when you go back to work than when you went on vacation.

    It would be much nicer if the summer was left to enjoy time with your family and loved ones, and for example, on some snowy winter day, you would host visitors to talk about your impressions of the summer, bake a cake together and drink cocoa or mulled wine.

  • Life with a child with special needs – a caregiver’s perspective

    Life with a child with special needs – a caregiver’s perspective

    When I wrote in 2020 what life is like with a child with special needs I didn’t think that it would actually be followed by several years of daily/night work with the family. https://www.kadiandbabies.com/en/post/from-a-weekly-ski-trip-to-a-24-7-caretaker-for-three-months

    The child turned six at the beginning of the year and has now been diagnosed with Dravet syndrome (DS), a severe form of epilepsy characterised by frequent, long-lasting seizures (often caused by high body temperature), developmental delays, speech disorders, sleep disorders, and other health problems. Last year, autism was added to the list of diagnoses, and at the beginning of this year, activity and attention disorder (ADHD). Since the latter is very prominent in the child, i.e. when the mood is bad, kicking or simply slapping passers-by with an open hand is a fairly common impulsive reaction, and some days there is more biting and head banging.

    In order to get a better overview of the topic, I will share with you my daily work with a child with special needs. It includes searching for a suitable school, school holidays, air travel and also trying new medicines and the worries and joys that come with it.

    Finding a school place

    Since there are very good schools for children with special needs in London it was a surprise that most schools do not have the possibility of a personal support assistant. For the last two years, the child had attended a regular school (in the UK, children go to preschool at the age of four) because there was a support assistant who took care of them. At one point the support assistants changed, and this also reflected in the child’s behaviour. Due to physical incidents with fellow students, studying in a regular school was no longer possible.

    Soon we started getting to know schools for children with special needs. We informed the school about the child’s specific obsessions, which are all kinds of sticks, rulers, canes, umbrellas, etc. In general, they aren’t used attack anyone, but without perceiving the danger, the situation can become dangerous. Introduction sessions at the new schools became a case of taking the child to school and waiting in a nearby cafe for a call in case the situation got out of control. Based on the feedback received from the schools, we could understand that our hopes of finding a school were dwindling to nothing. Even in schools for children with special needs, children are expected to be calm and obey the rules. Our child did not live up to such expectations.

    In the end, the child got a place in the school for children with special needs near their home. It took some time to adapt, but now they have been there for eight months. Let me mention that going to school has not been painless either. To get their way, the child has managed to make it look like they’re having an epileptic fit, but the real purpose was just to distract. Since the situation was unfamiliar to the teachers, I was called in but as soon as I called the child’s name, they were immediately better. Since you must be firm with the child, it is difficult for teachers who employ different methods of “encouragement”.

    At the very beginning, the school called to say that the child was not very communicative and was talking confusedly. When he went to school, he was lying on the floor in the nurse’s room like a starfish. The moment I said the child’s name from the doorway, they jumped up and shouted “Hello Kadi!”. On that occasion the teacher had taken away the tablet (another obsession is screens that we don’t give at home) and the child decided to simply ignore further instructions and just lay on the floor. Everyone in the room had a good laugh, because they had never met such a cunning head in their school :D.

    Since you have to be firm when communicating with the child and this “chicken-keeper” method doesn’t work, the teachers sometimes struggle to get them out of the school building, and it’s not rare that I shout the child’s name across the corridor and they jump up again and walks with me like nothing has happened. I asked the school what their solution is for communication or what method to use to get the child to do more everyday things, because I don’t have the education to deal with children with special needs, then the school’s answer was that they can’t give advice, that it is a complicated case. So I have to continue this “Hitler” style of communication so that we can get some things done.

    The positive thing is that no parents have made any complaints about the child at that school.

    School Holidays

    Anyone who has come in contact with children with special needs can say that everything is not always so bad, and in fact there are many days when the child is in a good mood, has had a good night and maybe only wakes up once or twice for a moment. Since I like to spend a lot of time outdoors, I bring a picnic basket and we go to watch the morning horse training at Hyde Park. Feeding the squirrels and parrots is also a nice pastime. Going to the markets is a particularly nice activity. This immediately reminds me of a nice day when we went to the market and even though we had lunch with us, the child expressed a desire for something else. Since they have never been picky or demanding when it comes to food, sometimes its ok. All the benches were full of people and next to us sat a woman who had a burger with a box, the moment she placed her box next to the us I already saw in my mind’s eye how the child would grab it and take a bite and as usual in such cases, that’s how it went. I offered to buy a new burger or something, but luckily it was a very understanding person and said that she didn’t really want that burger either. The zoo is also an interesting place, but you have to be prepared for the fact that people do not tolerate children with disabilities and very unpleasant situations can arise. One such visit to the zoo just ended with a quick trip home because the child became grumpy and started hitting passers-by.

    The camp for children with special needs was a very nice opportunity for us. I took the child to the place in the mid-morning and brought them back after lunch. They did very well there and we received good feedback. The staff pointed out that our child comforted a crying child and was very friendly with him. This shows that children with special needs also have empathy and feelings. A big plus is that the child has learned to speak a lot and can express themselves very well, which has certainly prevented many misunderstandings.

    Air Travel

    For our first flight, we had played through all the situations from getting on the plane to the fact that some health issue arise. I consider the trip a success in all respects, although there were still small “bumps”. When preparing for the trip, I had to think about how much medicine is needed, where to put emergency medicine and additional medicine, in case something happens and we end up in the hospital. The paperwork was also not small, and it’s good that I researched it in advance. Since the parents did not fly with the children, I had copies of the parents’ marriage certificate, copies of passports, copies of the parents’ birth certificates and a letter (preferably notarized) that I have permission from both parents to travel with the children. A separate letter had to be taken from the doctor with his signature and stamp, which stated the child’s health condition, the medicines prescribed, and quantities taken on a daily basis. One important thing when traveling is always to have travel insurance but getting insurance for a child with special needs was again a separate task, which we did and discussed with the parents. Here it is worth mentioning that many do not take out insurance for such a client who has health problems.

    Drugs and their side effects

    The main drugs have been Sodium Valpora, Stiripental, Arthimizine and Clobozam. In the last year various drugs have been tried in an effort to promote concentration and reduce impulsivity. A side effect of some medicines has been that the child does not sleep at night. These are the nights when the “party” gets in and out of bed, the lights is on in the room, the curtains are drawn, runs out of the room and I have to keep them in bed with physical force. At this point, it would also be wise to note that the child has more strength than some bodybuilder (anyone who has a child with special needs knows what I’m talking about). By the morning, I’m physically and mentally exhausted by the battle, and laugh that I feel like I have a hangover without the consumption of alcohol and partying. The “hangover” caused by lack of sleep has probably been encountered by every parent at some point. There has also been a struggle of its own with the administration of medicines, where I finally got the best result when we stopped hiding the medicines in the food and I can now say that we have to take the medicine (of course, we had to somehow motivate them so that the medications would not be spat out behind the sofa). As the child is a big fan of horses, I had to show a video of horses that we filmed when we went to the park together. On top of all that, the new challenge is the side effects of Brexit, such as not being able to get medicine or not being able to tell when it will be available. The latter led to one drug having a very short best before date of a month or two and it was a complete headache to acquire. Every day you just hope that you don’t need to use it and you watch which box has not expired yet.

    Visits to doctors

    We have regular doctor’s visits where both physical and mental development are monitored. Some visits are more difficult than others. Sometimes there may be several doctor’s appointments in a week and there may also be a so-called last-minute appointment. The doctors are not in one place, and you have to carefully monitor which hospital and floor the reception is in. It should be mentioned separately how we go to give blood and when I sit on the stretcher with my leg wrapped around the child and I try to keep the upper body still with my hands, there are also at least 3-4 people to hold them down. Sadly there are times when not enough blood has been taken for all the tests, and in one week we have gone to give blood three times.

    In conclusion

    I can say from my own experience that taking care of a child with special needs has taught me to be extremely patient and not to be upset by every little thing. Life must be taken as there are things that we cannot control and we must learn to live with them. Also, families with a child with special needs should not be afraid, because these families also want to socialise and do not need to be treated differently because of their child. Parents of children with special needs have to deal changing laws making it necessary to prove a child with a profound disability is does in fact have a health condition. Submitting all kinds of requests has also been made as difficult as possible, so that parents of a disabled child already have questions about their own mental health!

  • Expecting a baby at forty

    Why am I talking about this?

    Let’s start with my mother, who was expecting a baby when she was 42. When she complained of heart palpitations to the doctor, she was prescribed heart medication. Some time later, when my mum was taken to the hospital after taking heart medication, a blood test revealed that it was far from a heart-related disease, but instead she was pregnant!!!

    It was certainly not the easiest pregnancy for her. However, the attitude of the doctors and hospital staff left much to be desired, and how she been told off when she started giving birth, because the little girl decided to come earlier than the date indicated in the papers. Today, I have a younger sister with a 21-year age difference and we have the same mother 😉.

    In London, I have a lot of meetings with families where the first or even several children

    have been born to parents in their forties. These are families where financial stability has been achieved. We hear every day how much criticism women receive when they decide to have children at forty, but men are somehow left behind.

    Comments on the topic:

    “Do you also think how old you will be when your child goes to school?”

    “What do others think of you?”

    “Do you want a disabled child?”

    “Where were you before that you are only now having children?”

    “Can you still have children before menopause?”

    The list goes on…

    Today I will talk about the pros and cons of expecting a child in your forties.

    (The Daily Telegraph 1.11.2018, the study was conducted on 40 million births where the man’s age was 45+)

    For some reason, only the age of women when having children is emphasized, but after reading a lot of different materials and studies, the man’s age and, consequently, the quality of the sperm, which is largely influenced by lifestyle, play a big role in the health of the child and the course of pregnancy in a woman.

    Men who decide to become fathers at the age of 45+ have a higher risk of a child being born prematurely, with a low birth weight and needing intensive care than babies whose fathers were younger. Children of older fathers are more likely to have autism, schizophrenia and obsessive tendencies (full purity control, only maximum results in studies, etc.).

    The researchers believe that in older men changes occur in the sperm, which in turn affects the growth of the embryo. The best thing men can do for higher quality sperm is to limit alcohol consumption, quit smoking, exercise and eating healthily.

    In America, over one hundred thousand women aged 40+ give birth every year.

    In the case of women, we know that pregnant women in their forties are at risk and under greater surveillance. (However, on the website of an Estonian private clinic, these women were called elderly pregnant women, which reminds me of a grandmother).

    Women aged 40-44 have a risk of miscarriage of up to 33%, compared to 10%-20% among younger women.

    PROS

    1. Economic security
    2. Settled family life
    3. More medical supervision during pregnancy
    4. More education and awareness of raising children
    5. Less stress and worry due to economic situation

    CONS

    1. Risk for gestational diabetes
    2. Higher risk of miscarriage, up to 33%
    3. Risk of premature birth
    4. Higher risk of genetic defects
    5. Societal criticism
    6. Negative comments and bullying from medical staff (unfortunately, this happens a lot)
    7. Possible high blood pressure during pregnancy and heart disease

    One study conducted in the US found that women who gave birth at the age of 29 live longer. Studies showed that the life expectancy of those who gave birth earlier could reach 95 and a half years. But here it is also possible that it is due to genes. At the same time, it was revealed that women who have given birth older than 35 years of age have better verbal memory.

    So, is it still so scary to become a mother at forty? No, it’s not ☺️